Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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