just tell him i said nine months
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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