Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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