Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
