I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
