I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
