I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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