Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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