just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
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Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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