Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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