Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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