theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
