My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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