I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
