Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
