So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize