Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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