He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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