No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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