Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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