My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
