he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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