Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
