she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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