I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
