i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
