I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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