She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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