I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
