Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
