I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
