pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
