thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
