party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
