He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
