So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
