the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
