My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
