i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
