She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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