Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
