Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
