Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
