Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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