so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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