I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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