ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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