I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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