Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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