You work out of a Hotel?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
