I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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