He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
