Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
