I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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